The 12 things the girls came up with to look for in a good guy to date

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There is a certain time in life when you decide you want to meet a person of the opposite sex but don’t want to go to clubs or bars and your friends just don’t seem to have ‘Mr or Mrs Right’ to introduce you to.  So, what do you do?

More and more people are logging on to look for a partner and getting comfortably uncomfortable in the online dating world. After a glass of wine or two with some girlfriends we traded some funny dating stories (what go’s on tour !!), had a few laughs then for some reason got all serious and discussed what was important to look for in a guy to date and came up with the following list:

 1) Attitude About His Attractiveness
So you have found a  real hottie. The question is:  How does he handle that?  What he thinks of his attractiveness and how he acts about it is very likely more important to the situation than what you think of it and how you act about it.

Just how tied to his physical appearance is he. Lets face it do you really want to be with a guy that is more of a woman than you are and spends more time preening than a peacock?  If so, you will likely find that he is obsessed with his looks and interested in little else.

This kind of man might look great by your side, but you will end up seriously disappointed in nearly every possible way aside from being physically attracted to him. Even if you are shallow enough to think that looks might be enough, you will most likely find that even your physical attraction to him will wane over time when he has nothing else to offer.

The best men are the ones who don’t realize how gorgeous they are.

2)Integrity and Character
A lack of integrity can even be tied to his attitude about his attractiveness that I mentioned above. When it is, you could be in serious trouble. It’s one thing for a guy to know he’s hot and focus on it way too much, but it’s quite another if he also lacks integrity and turns towards the dark side of using his looks in manipulative and self-serving ways.

For example, a hot man who is accustomed to having women kowtow to him could very easily become one of those men who will throw a huge fit if he thinks he sees you barely glance at another man, but, in the same breath, will insist that his huge group of girl friends who flirt and get frisky with him when you are standing right there is nothing and that you have no right to get upset over it.

This is a prime example of a man who went from being shallow to some full-on double standard behavior somewhere along the line. A lack of integrity can cause this – and plenty of other things that you don’t want to deal with.

3)Emotional and Physical Strength
Yeah we all like a man with physical strength who has a great six pack, but physical strength can also come in different forms like having the physical strength and energy to at least share household duties or head out for the occasional outdoor adventure. Being strong and physically fit isn’t all about looks either; it also has to do with overall well-being and health, and you do want a healthy partner.

When it comes to emotional strength, there is something sexy about a man being a leader who can show that he can provide, protect and handle any situation. A life partner who can stand beside you and handle things with you, rather than just making everything worse by falling apart every time something comes up.

4 )Complaining, Contention and Combativeness
All of us woman should be seeking out strong men, but strength should not be confused with contention and combativeness. You want the kind of strength that allows him to be upfront with you about issues that come up, to always mean what he says and say what he means, and to stand his ground when necessary without being overly forceful.

Unfortunately, too many guys get all confused when it comes to strength and exhibit contention or downright combativeness and this will get you nowhere but miserable. Partners need to support each other in their hopes and dreams, as well as the day-to-day stuff that comes with life. If you choose a man who is constantly complaining or takes every chance to shoot down your ideas and criticize you, you are going to be miserable. No one is happy in a relationship like that, always feeling like they can do nothing right and continuously frustrated by everything the guy does.

5)Lifestyle Cohesion
While you will never hear me say that you need to start dressing in matching outfits and should have the exact same interests, there is something to be said for having cohesive lifestyles. Things like constant schedule conflicts, vastly different religious beliefs and hugely different lifestyles can be tough to overcome when establishing or maintaining a relationship.

When one partner works nights and the other works days, resulting in barely seeing each other, this can have a detrimental effect on the relationship, particularly over time. While you both might think you can work through something like that, lifestyles that are that different can cause problems faster than you might think – no matter how devoted you are to ignoring your differences and making it work.

I have been witness to relationships where women have tried way too hard to make it work with a hot guy who simply wasn’t a good match for them.

It just isn’t going to work. The things you love and value need to be complemented by the things he loves and values. It’s as simple as that. And if your lifestyles are vastly different, it is going to be hard to get – and keep – things going.

Avid travelers don’t do well with partners who won’t set foot on a plane or boat; fourth-generation farmers don’t do well with partners who refuse to get dirty; and teetotalers usually don’t mesh well with hardcore partiers.

Some differences are great for growth and keeping things interesting, but if your lifestyles are truly night and day, some serious consideration is in order.

6)Common Sense and Judgment
We all went through that phase in high school or college when we were having crushes on the rugby captain or the best lokig guy in our year but quite often we would also have confusion about their lack of common sense. They were usually pretty hot and always pretty fun, but most of us grew out of that phase about the time we realized that sometimes having an actual, intelligent conversation with a man is a plus.

While it might have been cute the first three or four times one of those guys did something less than brilliant, it eventually starts getting old, and no woman wants to spend her life constantly making sure her partner isn’t blow drying their hair in the bathtub or washing his red sweaters with his white undershirts.

Common sense is required to get through each day making good judgment calls and handling all of the little situations that come up in normal life. Pay attention to whether or not he seems to be able to make good decisions and handle life’s little issues. If he can’t, it might seem cute in the beginning, but it will end up driving you crazy down the line.

7 )Social Skills 
Humans are social animals as a whole. This means that we enjoy being around other people, which is also how we continue to learn and grow throughout our lives. The problem is that you will start to notice your social circle getting smaller and smaller the longer you are in a relationship with a man.

Even if you fight it, it always seems to end up that you will end up drifting away from your friends who are single. This always happens once you are part of a couple, and it creates the situation where you and your partner now need to work on establishing friendships with other couples. If your guy isn’t that great at making friends, you are going to have a really difficult time finding couples who want to hang out with you. Conversely, if he is a bit of a social butterfly, you can be sure that you will establish lasting friendships with other couples that will end up being really great.

8)Knowing His Way Around a Kitchen

I’m not still stuck in the 1950s and certainly don’t think women should be chained to the kitchen sink, in fact, there is nothing sexier than a man who knows his way round the kitchen.

Having a man who can cook shouldn’t be your number one goal when finding the right guy for you, but it’s certainly a trait that helps in the long run. This is particularly true if you are both busy at work and been hitting the fast food joints every night on your way home from work for as long as you can remember and are feeling fat and unhealthy. Sharing some time making a meal can be a real turn on – even more so if he actually likes doing it.

If he’s the type who also likes hosting dinner parties for all of those couples he has acquired as your new friends, you might just start thinking that life can’t get any better.

9 )Cleanliness and Neatness
Women should not be solely responsible for picking up after you, cleaning the house, cooking every meal and making sure you have clean clothes to wear to work.

But you also probably don’t want it to be the other way around either; unless, you are a complete neat freak and want to be in charge of all of that stuff so that you can be sure it is done perfectly. Of course, if that’s the case, then that brings up other issues. For example, if you are a neat freak and he is a total slob, that is going to cause both of you quite a bit of misery. The same holds true if it’s the other way around and you are a slob, and he is the neat freak.

In a perfect world, both of you will be fairly neat and clean without falling to far towards either extreme.

10)The Little Things
The man you are with might be gorgeous, smart and good to you, but if he has one or more annoying bad habits that drive you crazy, this could be a problem.

Most of us will overlook odd little quirks or annoying habits in the beginning of the relationship because the man is hot or because we think we are being shallow or too picky if can’t get past it. We are even more likely to overlook these little things if we think that he meets all of our major needs. But that is not necessarily a good thing, since those little things can really wear on you – and the relationship – over time.

This is one that you will have to determine on a case-by-case basis. You will have to determine whether or not he can easily change those habits if you say something to him, or if it is just part of who he is. And, if it is part of who he is, you are going to have to decide whether or not you can live with it long term.

11 )Consistent Behavior and Reliability
This one is pretty simple and a bit complicated at the same time. First off, the simple part is just about things like showing up on time and being someone reliable whom you can count on.

The more complicated part is about observing his behavior and how he interacts with people to see just how consistent he is. For example, can you always be sure that you are going to see the same man every time you go out, or does he seem to have some kind of Psycho thing going on? If you never know which version of your guy is going to show up on your date, that just might be a deal breaker right there.

Another important thing to note is any differences between how he treats you and how he treats everyone else. This is how you are going to figure out just how much of what you think is his personality is actually an act that is meant to draw you in.

Check out how he treats bartenders, restaurant servers, colleagues and children. If he has kids, make sure you really pay attention to his interactions with them. Does he interact with other people in a way that is respectful and appropriate? Or does he boss around or walk all over anyone he perceives as beneath him?

This is going to tell you how he is going to act towards you once the newness wears off and he is no longer trying to impress you.

12 )Health and Wellness
Mental and physical health is important. They just are. But this actually goes beyond the surface of someone having relatively good physical health and not being sick or tired constantly.

Obviously mental health is a big one. It is a huge one, really. There are some girls out there who really enjoy a guy who has a little crazy about him, but if you are looking for a long-term mate, someone who is rational, reasonable and levelheaded is going to be a far better bet.

Additionally, you might want to at least give a moment’s thought to how his health and wellness could affect yours. For example, if you are used to being really active, and he prefers to stay indoors and watch movies all day, your physical fitness is likely going to suffer at least somewhat.

I know it can be hard to look past the hotness and really make a good assessment of whether or not the guy you are just starting to date is the right one for you. But you have to believe me when I tell you that it’s worth it. Weeding out those who are not high quality men and potential mates will save you time and get you that much closer to finding the partner you want and deserve.

While some of these things might not be among your top priorities when searching for a potential partner, you are going to thank me for pointing them out later on down the line when you realize just how important some of the less obvious things can be.

What else do you think is important to look for in a hot guy to date?

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Adolescence: A stage between infancy and adultery

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I have blogged about the Secret Sex Lives of Kids and have now turned my thoughts to how children actually do develop and the “Teens” are what could be described as an interesting time, for many reasons, not least of which is the challenge that occurs between child and parent.

From around the age of 12 to 15 it is an extremely hormonal time for children (not sure they would even like being called children) – the brain is moving into a different mode and it is the onset of the mating ritual as nature intended. Because the impulses of sexual energy are so high, they become very emotional – You Don’t Say !  The large changes in hormones also drive dramatic behavioural changes.

In small children the brain is oriented to survival and kids will cling to their mother, however, when they enter the hormonal stage things change and the primitive instincts in the brain take over. This is a time in nature when the primal kicks in and the ties between child and parent change. It is natural that they pull away from parents and bond more to others that share the same sexual energies.

As they continue to develop, their bodies release pheromones which attract the opposite sex. This is the move from daggy clothes and “Urgh he’s got cooties” to the latest fashion and “He’s hot” (I’m know that the thoughts and expressions are more sexually charged but let’s keep it as this level for the sake of modesty -lol!).  For both sexes the body develops faster then the brain’s logic capacity at this stage. Urges begin to effect them and surge throughout their bodies. Due to the chemical changes in the brain teenagers begin to act almost on instinct – they become very centered on themselves. This is the “Aren’t your family important to you anymore?” stage.

Sometimes the serotonin and noradrenaline levels in the body become unbalanced which can lead to manic or depressive behaviours and disorders. The worst of which can lead to teen suicide. Some other symptoms of this imbalance are aggravation, anger and the inability to express emotion. You can adjust the levels of serotonin and noradrenaline intuitively and changing the diet can help as well. Make sure you get the protein/carb ratio’s in the diet right and include lipids and sterols as they are necessary for the balance of different hormones in the brain. However being told anything at this age is like a red flag to a bull as teenagers have a tendency to think they know everything – this is part of the actual brain development. The frontal lobe is not yet fully developed. So, this is where they fail to realise the repercussions of their actions and tend to act without thinking.

At this point the body is developing rapidly in so many different ways it is hard for a child to remain balanced. Parents tend to seem lost as to what to do and are unable to make decisions for their children, whilst the children themselves are behaving what can only be described as irrationally. I guess it is easy to forget that at this time within the child is a combination of young adult and child that is under enormous development change within their bodies. Let’s not forget that it took us a long time to figure things out and that some of us still have not managed to figure things out – umm, pause to remember those times – may I say, it’s not a pretty !

It’s normal for children at this age to be interested in religion and be curious about many different beliefs which can include everything from cults, satanism and good old spirituality. As a note of caution it’s a really good time to watch what children are doing intuitively as they grow and develop perception and have many spiritual experiences. Because children are much more intuitive than adults they sometimes mistake whether it is intuition or spirit at work which can lead to them being misled. Those children that allow spirit into their space for ‘more power’ are allowing the spirit to take energy from them and they give their power away which is how children sometimes end up in cults.

Many children are so open to the world that they are susceptible to becoming victims. This is where all the hard work you have put in so far really needs to be enforced – it’s ok for them to stick up for themselves and to say no. One of the most impotant (freudian slip – should read important) things a parent can do with a teen is to let them know that their sexual urges are not wrong and they are entirely normal & natural but at the same time developing self responsibility about the fact that they are giving part of themselves when they indulge in a sexual relationship. This brings up the question of whether oral sex is classed as sex – lawfully the answer is Yes. This is the ‘You can only do so much to coach and guide but ultimately your child will make up their own mind’ stage.  Better to have been there as a parent for them and provided an open and honest forum for discussion than to have to pick up the pieces at a later stage.

It’s around this time that children realise that they don’t have to listen to everything their parents say, and this too, believe it or not is another stage in development. This is where the little darlings decide to go out on their own to do things !!!  Given that childen are not considered legally responsible until the age of 18 this is where it get’s interesting for parents but if ‘anything’ does happen, no matter what it might be, you as a parent should not feel like a failure – remember everything we have talked about – the hormones, the changes etc – However that does not give anyone the right to relinquish their parental responsibilities.  If you have always worked with your child to have good self worth and is therefore capable of making good decisions – what’s the problem, right?

Gravitation is not responsible for people falling in love

Cover of "The Science of Love"

Cover of The Science of Love

“Within every relationship, there’s an encoded lesson that

you’ve hopefully learned, or still need to learn. Some

relationships are simply there for you to experience love;

others could be showing you what you don’t want in your

next one. In this way, when it’s time to develop a

connection with someone else, you’ll be more aware and

have the ability to manifest the type of relationship you

want – one that serves your highest purpose”

– John Holland

The Science of Love

  • There are three phases to falling in love and different hormones are involved at each stage.
  • Events occurring in the brain when we are in love have similarities with mental illness.
  • When we are attracted to somebody, it could be because subconsciously we like their genes.
  • Smell could be as important as looks when it comes to the fanciability factor. We like the look and smell of people who are most like our parents.
  • Science can help determine whether a relationship will last.

Cupid’s chemicals

A man and woman's feet
People are usually in ‘cloud nine’ when they fall in love.

Flushed cheeks, a racing heart beat and clammy hands are some of the outward signs of being in love. But inside the body there are definite chemical signs that cupid has fired his arrow.

When it comes to love it seems we are at the mercy of our biochemistry. One of the best known researchers in this area is Helen Fisher of Rutgers University in New Jersey. She has proposed that we fall in love in three stages. Each involving a different set of chemicals.

Three Stages of Falling in Love

Stage 1: Lust

Lust is driven by the sex hormones testosterone and oestrogen. Testosterone is not confined only to men. It has also been shown to play a major role in the sex drive of women. These hormones as Helen Fisher says “get you out looking for anything”.

Stage 2: Attraction

This is the truly love-struck phase. When people fall in love they can think of nothing else. They might even lose their appetite and need less sleep, preferring to spend hours at a time daydreaming about their new lover.

In the attraction stage, a group of neuro-transmitters called ‘monoamines’ play an important role:

  • Dopamine – Also activated by cocaine and nicotine.
  • Norepinephrine – Otherwise known as adrenalin. Starts us sweating and gets the heart racing.
  • Serotonin – One of love’s most important chemicals and one that may actually send us temporarily insane.

Discover which type of partner you’re attracted to by taking the face perception test.

Stage 3: Attachment

This is what takes over after the attraction stage, if a relationship is going to last. People couldn’t possibly stay in the attraction stage forever, otherwise they’d never get any work done!

Attachment is a longer lasting commitment and is the bond that keeps couples together when they go on to have children. Important in this stage are two hormones released by the nervous system, which are thought to play a role in social attachments:

  • Oxytocin – This is released by the hypothalamus gland during child birth and also helps the breast express milk. It helps cement the strong bond between mother and child. It is also released by both sexes during orgasm and it is thought that it promotes bonding when adults are intimate. The theory goes that the more sex a couple has, the deeper their bond becomes
  • Vasopressin – Another important chemical in the long-term commitment stage. It is an important controller of the kidney and its role in long-term relationships was discovered when scientists looked at the prairie vole

Find out how the three stages can feel even stronger for teenagers in love, experiencing first love and first sex.

The frisky Prairie Vole

A shadow of two people kissing

In prairie vole society, sex is the prelude to a long-term pair bonding of a male and female. Prairie voles indulge in far more sex than is strictly necessary for the purposes of reproduction.

It was thought that the two hormones, vasopressin and oxytocin, released after mating, could forge this bond. In an experiment, male prairie voles were given a drug that suppresses the effect of vasopressin. The bond with their partner deteriorated immediately as they lost their devotion and failed to protect their partner from new suitors.

Looking in their genes

When it comes to choosing a partner, are we at the mercy of our subconscious? Researchers studying the science of attraction draw on evolutionary theory to explain the way humans pick partners.

It is to our advantage to mate with somebody with the best possible genes. These will then be passed on to our children, ensuring that we have healthy kids, who will pass our own genes on for generations to come.

When we look at a potential mate, we are assessing whether we would like our children to have their genes. There are two ways of doing this that are currently being studied, (to find out more click on the links):pheromones and appearance.